dot.Bench

Baby Needs A Little Red Wagon!

2009-10-21T08:10:24Z

The folks at Rao's Specialty Foods invited Ingrid to participate in a photo contest over at psghettiface.com for 'Best Psghetti Face' photo. Here's our Ingrid getting her spaghetti on in true Ingrid style:

Click here to cast your vote and help Ingrid win a little red wagon!

The Phone I Will Dream About Until 2010

2009-10-13T12:10:54Z

If the new HTC HD2 is anywhere near as shiny and fabulous as it looks, then I am going to be jonesing like a kid before Christmas until sometime after Christmas, at this rate.

The Rolltop Computer. Why am I all sweaty and tingly? Oh, yeah, that's called lust.

2009-10-06T09:10:32Z

There's nothing like an extraordinarly well-thought-out piece of technology design to get my blood pumping. If they can just give you a moist towelette that has the "new car smell" to it that I can wipe on this, I would be in heaven.

No. 1 On My Nerdy Wish List, With A Bullet

2009-09-25T03:09:28Z

I cannot say how long I have waited to see one of the major operating systems to take the form factor of the Tablet PC and treat it uniquely, distinctly and appropriately in the same way that Palm did for the PDA back in the day, and Apple did with the smart phone.

Seeing this video gives me hope that I can see something worth owning in the Tablet form factor before I'm elligible for AARP membership.

Makes Me Almost Want To Buy The Latest Expansion Pack And Re-Up My Membership

2009-08-17T09:08:32Z

Diss Sting Wished? Not.

2009-07-26T06:07:54Z

Can someone please tell my scalp that I'm not really secretly hoping to audition for the role of J. Jonah Jameson in the next "Spiderman" sequel?

That'd be great. kthxbai.

The Acronym "WTF" Doesn't Even Come Close

2009-07-26T09:07:41Z

I was in no way prepared for what Digg and Gizmodo exposed me to this morning. I was minding my own business, trolling the Intarwebz like a Blue Whale hunting for krill and I came across this picture. It would be a severe understatement to say that I am fascinated, disturbed and intrigued all at once.

Click To Enlarge This Image

I took an inventory of this picture and what looked severely bizzare at first blush dives off the deep end upon closer inspection:

A bare-bellied ingenue in schoolgirl regalia is attached to some kind of tube coming out of her navel.
The tube is going into a... um, NO CLUE, but it appears to have a large sphincter on one side and is dripping out a pile of green goo beneath it.
Then there's the Yellow Furry Of Indeterminate Origins burning a hole into the back of the head of Tuxedo Shirt Boy with his intent gaze
Let's not forget the afore-mentioned guy with the spit curl, tuxedo top, Mister Burns hand gesture with... um, Garanimals/Underoos underpants on?
Plus there's a WWII-era turntable replica on the floor minding its own business.

This scenario was planned in some kind of meeting, it was orchestrated, executed, photographed and considered enough of a success to post it on the Series of Tubes.

Clearly, I have a boring job.

Can A Brother Get A WinMo Phone For Consumers?

2009-07-25T10:07:59Z

Disclaimer: I will try not to offend the ever growing nation of iPhone users, but if you are sensitive to hearing unkind words about Apple, Steve Jobs or anything beginning with the letter "i", then I would skip this post.

I will make no apologies about it, I am a Windows Mobile fan much the same way that I prefer Microsoft Operating systems over nearly ever other (save possibly for my one-time crush: BeOS). Back in the heydays of the late 80s and early 90s, I was an Apple fan. I used them at college because I used them for Quark Xpress, Aldus Pagemaker, Adobe Photoshop while I was an editor on the college paper(s) and literary magazine. While I never bought an Apple for home use, I was one of the happy Apple Newton owners.

I will also concede that Apple wins, hands down, when it comes to usability and user experience design. No matter what Microsoft has tried in the last two decades, it is perpetually playing catch-up to the Apple's design aesthetic and excellence in consumer-focused interface design. Even the screenshots of Windows 7 still seem like they're just on the verge of picking up the trail blazed by OS X.

Since I'm a UX professional, it should therefore seem natural that I would prefer Macs to PCs in my professional and personal life.

But I don't, and frankly, I'm not even on the fence about it. Because no matter how much I admire their design prowess and commitment to UX principles, they violate an even bigger personal ethic: namely, that it's MY technology and I should be able to do what I want with it. What does that mean, exactly? Well, to me, that means:

Once I buy it, don't prevent me from being able to mod it, skin it, tweak it, nudge it, upgrade it, make it mine from the inconsequential details down to the basic building blocks.
Hardware is my domain, software is yours. I want your operating system, but I don't want your hardware constraints. Let me change the case, the drives, the video card without having to crack the Human Genome or ask Big Brother's permission. Selling me a device that I can't even remove the battery from <cough>iPhone</cough> is an insult to my DIY sensibilities.
I'm fine with your right to proprietary technology and intellectual property, but DRM is a whole different story. If you roll over and let DRM invade and control your software platforms <cough>iTunes</cough> then I don't consider you to be looking out for my interests.
Support your developers and empower them. Don't make them jump through unnecesasry hoops and cowtow to your whims in order to help make your software platforms successful by providing a rich, vibrant catalog of applications<cough>App Store</cough>.

I understand why the Apple made the decisions it did. They looked at the "user flexibility" vs. "consistent user experience" dilemma and opted for the UX. But I'm not comfortable with that trade-off. I also know I'm not their core audience. I'm a big ol' nerd. I build my PCs from components, I have my own server rack in a closet at home, I write code as well as consume it.

But at the same time, I'm not as far down the other end of the spectrum to be a big Open Source fan. I do believe Open Source software has its place in the technology ecosystem, but is and should be an option and not the answer to every situation.

All of this leads me to the reason I started writing this: Windows Mobile and the iPhone.

I won't deny that parts of the iPhone make me very envious. As usual, Apple created a user experience that is beautiful and engaging. They also made a sexy little form factor with usability features that extend all the way down to the hardware layer. Not matter how many problems I have with how they review, approve and manage apps in their App Store, it is a great resource and something that Microsoft is only just now starting to address.

Then they ruined all their hard work when they locked the battery inside the damned phone. To repeat a joke I read on the intarwebz, we live in a world where it's easier for Steve Jobs to replace his liver than it is for an iPhone user to change their battery. I could rail on about iTunes, which is another big disappointment for myriad reasons. Factor in some of the annoying and ridiculous antics by AT&T like their additional fees for tethering even if you have an unlimited data plan, and I just flat-out refuse to get one, ever.

I am the mostly happy owner of two different HTC Touch Pro phones running Windows Mobile 6.1; one on Sprint and one on AT&T (aka HTC Fuze). I have nothing but flattering things to say about HTC. They make great looking phones, with great specs and good user features. They give me phones that look good but still have a sliding keyboard. My Touch Pro was 3G ready before the iPhone was.

Then there's the HTC TouchFlo interface layer for Windows Mobile. They single-handedly made owning a Windows Mobile phone nearly iPhone comparable, just so they could sell more of their phones and not be restricted by how badly Microsoft had managed their mobile user experience. But an interface on top of another interface isn't an answer <cough>Microsoft Bob</cough>, it's a Band-aid, and it's got be to be removed soon so we can heal the boo-boo it's covering.

Rather than despair that Microsoft isn't up to the challenge, I know otherwise. Microsoft has done some very useful user interfaces, including:

Windows Media Center
Microsoft Zune
Windows 7

I won't say that any of the above examples are stellar, but they were created with the right balance of simplicity and control. I wish I could say the same of Windows Mobile (even the upcoming version 6.5 is not much more than an incremental facelift). I won't even talk about Windows Mobile 7 yet because all the screenshots and demos floating around out there are so preliminary that it's almost a guarantee that the final product will be nothing like them.

So rather than talk about what they're going to do, I'll end this rant with a Wish List for the next version of Windows Mobile and hope that someone out there is listening:

Build only one Windows Mobile OS, but allow it to flip between "Business" and "Consumer" modes. I should be able to go flip modes with a thumb swipe so that when I'm using the phone for business -- interacting with Exchange, using Office apps, etc -- it has the more traditional Windows Mobile experience (which does serve the business user adequately) But after I leave the office, let me flip a switch and have a Zune-like interface that lets me consume digital media, tweet, update Facebook, browse the web with quick thumb swipes and simple, sexy menus.
Learn from the mod crowd. There are a whole slew of Windows OS skining apps out there like WindowBlinds or SkinCrafter, including ones for Windows Mobile, that let your users not only change the small stuff like theme colors and wallpapers, but bigger things like menu options, interface layouts... everything. If you build interface customization directly into the OS, then users don't have to burden their phones with interface-on-interface apps to get the user experience they want or need.
Learn from Apple's App Store. Do what they do well; ease of use and a vast catalog of apps, but don't repeat their mistakes; draconian bureaucracy for developers who want to get into your store, letting mobile carriers bully you into prohibiting apps that people want/need (tethering apps or programs like Skype that compete with carriers on their own data networks).
Lead the market and stop chasing it. Apple, RIM and Palm are now way out ahead of you because they put serious money, manpower and vision behind their products. If you don't see where the mobile computing market is going (laptops in 5 years will be what Desktop PCs are today... rapidly becoming obsolete), then you will never make a product that will get you the real maketshare you covet.
Play well with others. The mobile application platform market is going to become the new prom. You'll never get to be prom queen if you don't get out there and shake some hands and kiss some babies. Makes friends, partners and alliances first and focus on being proprietary and exclusive second. The more a mobile platform works with other mobile platforms and technologies, the more it will be valuable and useful to your consumers. In the cage match between useful and cool; useful will eventually win, no matter what anyone tells you.

I want to be a Windows Mobile user five years from now. Please, Microsoft, don't make me buy an iPhone.

Oh, Dear Lord... YES!

2009-07-25T10:07:44Z

Sweet, glorious "Tron Legacy." This makes me as excited as when I saw the movie for the first time back in '82. I'm SOOOO there.

Okay, You Had Me At "B-Hole"

2009-07-24T08:07:41Z

I've never eaten at a Hardee's, but the 12-year-old boy in me nearly had to change his shorts from laughing so hard. Well played, Hardee's!

In Brightest Day, In Darkest Night...

2009-07-23T09:07:09Z

I guess I have Comic-Con to blame for the nerdy fanboyhood that came surging out like a teenage boy's inappropriate response to seeing the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

First, I hear everyone talking about Comi-Con 2009 this week, which I have to admit didn't seem to move me one way or another. I like comic books as an artform, and I respect the people who make them, but I never quite drank the Koolaid from a glass; I just snuck a sip here and there when the mood hit me.

Then, I innocently went to Google this morning and saw my all-time-favorite superhero on the Google logo, gracefully materializing the Letter 'L' next to his DC Comics colleagues.

Then I tweeted about the thrill of seeing my longtime favorite hero, and I get added by a Twitter account that covered all things GL. From there I saw the news about the new Green Lantern film slated to come out 2011 and I get all kinds of giddy. I should not, if I really want to preserve some shred of dignity, admit exactly how long and badly I have wanted to see someone do for Green Lantern what Christopher Nolan has done for Batman.

I have been a GL fan since I was still in my single digits. He was a little off the beaten path; everyone else was rooting for Batman, Spiderman, Superman, The Hulk, you name it. Green Lantern was just "B-List" enough to be cool. Plus, I'm a huge fan of certain shades of green and GL green is a VERY appealing to my sense of color and design.

He was also accessible to me in ways that many other name-brand superheroes like Superman weren't. Hal Jordan was a regular guy who gets selected to join the GL Corps and become a hardcore, stylin' superhero. Even Batman, being human, wasn't as easily accessible because he created by all the ugly and unfun events of his childhood. Later in life, I realized how much I liked that one of his biggest strengths was that his imagination was his greatest weapon. GL Power Ring + Creative Visualization = Badass Crime Fighting.

So in a span of ten minutes, I went from nonchalant to excited to positively giddy; all due to Green Lantern and his future exploits on celluloid.

Then it all came crashing down when I read who was cast in the lead. Ryan Reynolds is a fine actor, but he is not who I would have imagined for the role, not by a long shot. I can't see Ryan Reynolds and not think "Van Wilder." So to hear he was cast would be like hearing that Ben Stiller got the role. I'm told he did a fine job in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," so I suppose I can try to reserve judgement.

But I swear, with God as my witness, if he screws the pooch in the movie I will mail him Ziploc bags full of the product of me eating nothing but green food coloring, feta cheese and kimchi for days until I feel justice has been dealt.

On the bright side, at least Jack Black isn't getting the part.

Cold Calling A QWERTY Fart

2009-07-21T07:07:07Z

The following is true. Frankly, I'm not creative enough to make up stuff like this.

[Setting 'Wayback Machine' to 4 p.m. EST]

Phone: <ring! ring!> <Caller ID displays international number>

Me: <Intrigued, picks up phone> Hello?

Man With Thick Indian Accent: "Can I speak to <pause> Mr. Azzdeff?"

Me: "I'm sorry, who?"

MWTIA: "Mr. Azzdeff?"

Me: <confused and wondering if person is attempting to reach another extension at work> "I'm sorry, who are you calling for again?"

MWTIA: "It says here the last name is A-S-D-F, and the first name is A-S-D-F. I'm calling from <pause, stutters out a partial company name> <pause, checks self, stutters out a second partial company name> <pause, and finally remembers who he's supposed to be> I'm with the American Education... <trails off>. You filled out our online form."

Me: <visualizes online form filled with "asdf" being put in every field> <stifles laugh> "I'm sorry, but you've reached a business." <hangs up>

I sat there for a good thirty seconds afterward very amused by what happens when automated information systems don't include some kind of human intelligence as part of the process.

It also dawned on me that having a direct office line that is dialed by repeating the same three digits over again is probably going to lead to more hijinks in the future.

An Open Letter To Tivo

2009-07-21T07:07:24Z

Dear Tivo,

It's been three months since we ended our six-year relationship together and I have to admit that a day doesn't go by when I don't think about you and times we spent together, late at night, on the sofa, with nothing on but the playlist.

I know you already know this, but you were my first DVR. And ever since we broke up, I can't help but measure all my other relationships against ours. You were sweet, funny, good-looking and above all, you were very sensitive to my needs. You were always trying to bring me things you thought I might like to watch together with you. I realize it was a little awkward in the beginning. I still remember the week we watched "The Muppet Movie" together on a lark, and you spent the next month trying to get me to watch episodes of "Barney & Friends" and old re-runs of "Fraggle Rock." Looking back, I feel bad about the number of times I hit 'Thumbs Down' button; I can see how how it might have made you feel.

I also feel bad that I left you for another service. I know it's not fair to ask you to keep trying new things. First it was asking you to open your port to my phone line, then I got you drunk and made you pair with my WiFi network. Pretty soon you were serving me pictures and MP3s off any server in my house without so much as a "Hi, what's your name? Wanna exchange packets?" You did it all, not once thinking about how dirty it made you feel or what you might be forced to see and hear when you started digging into my digital media stash. It was a lot to take, and I appreciate how you did it without once breaking down and crying or asking to take a shower; especially after I made you stream an entire Abba "Best Of" CD that I had ripped.

But I need to try new things, to have new experiences. I when I heard some of the girls at work talking about how they had tried recording two shows at once and how amazing it felt, and how it had changed everything, I knew we didn't have much time left together. I remember your ground rules from our first date; that you were only into cable networks where you knew what to expect, where you only received channels through one video input at a time. You weren't raised to be the kind of DVR that hooks up with any old satellite dish that happens to get 500 channels and find yourself getting double-teamed by "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central and "True Romance" on Cinemax while you try to hold in the tears and the shame.

So rather than make you break your vows, I decided it was best that we part ways. And while I do enjoy the nights I have together with DIRECTV, it's not really the same. DIRECTV gives it to me in so many different ways, but he doesn't make me laugh like you did with the funny little "bloop" noises and your cute little icons. Thumbing through your menus was like a little game we could play together where I always won, no matter what I did. DirecTV has about as much romance and fun as reading a Russian phonebook. Plus, he's always so cryptic. I can never tell what he's thinking, and even little things are like pulling teeth. I realize that sorting a playlist four different ways and having those settings be remembered isn't exactly rocket science, so I don't understand why DirecTV makes me feel bad for asking for it every time I use its boring, boxy remote (not the sexy little hourglass figure that you have on your remote).

I guess what I'm really saying is, Tivo, that I respect your boundries and I don't want to make you do what you don't feel comfortable with. I love you too much to make you change just to please me.

But I am hoping you can do me one last favor, in exchange for the years we had together. Could you come over one night this week? I'd like us all to get really drunk and hop in the hot tub together, and if it feels right, maybe you and the DirecTV DVR can, well... do a little experimenting, preferably without protection.

I promise I would raise your love child and teach it to be the best little DVR it can be; one that doesn't feel bad about itself for dual-channel recording, one what would take all 500 channels across three timezones as a badge of pride and not a mark of shame; it would do all the things you can't or won't. But best of all, it would have your eyes and your smile and that cute little way you know how to sort my playlist, just how I like it.

Call me, please?

Driving a freight train down Memory Lane while texting on my mobile phone

2009-07-18T03:07:35Z

Four years: it seems both like a blink and a 30,000 boxcar train of memories.

The last time I updated by blog, Hurricane Katrina had only just happened, the housing market had more bubbles than a flute of French champagne, and every state in the nation glowed in only one of two colors: Blue or Red.

Since the time I let my sad little blog go fallow in the fields of the intarwebz, so much has happened that the summary of events barely does it justice.

I sold my home in Florida and prepared to flee back to the Left Coast and my home turf in the Emerald City. I dismantled what reamined of my life in God's Waiting Room, packed up 2,200 square feet of furniture into a semi truck and sent it off ahead of me while I stayed behind to tie up loose ends.

I spent two strange days sleeping on the moist, freshly-shampooed carpets in an empty shell of a house as I waited for the sale to close, with Gadget and myself doing what we could to keep busy. Finally, on December 8, 2005, I packed up my computers and my puppy into my Jeep and proceeded to drive 3,800 miles in five days on my return home. The drive through Katrina-smeared Louisiana was stark and saddening. Texas smelled of a propane stove from the time I crossed the state line until I reached Arizona. The rest of the trip passed in a blur from Arizona through California, up through Oregon and back into the Evergreen state.

Once I returned home, I spent a good six months acting like a combination of under-employed 19-year-old and grizzled hobo as I refused to do anything that smacked of deadlines, responsibility and maturity. Lots of cereal, even more World of Warcraft, and a nearly constant schedule of dining out.

Little did I know that bigger things were waiting for me while I reprising my twentysomething slackerhood. I rekindled a burning romance with an old flame and before too long, our flame turned into a cozy hearth, a marriage and a beauitful baby girl. Around the same time, I found myself back in the seat-of-the-pants, bootstrap, Top-Ramen-and-Koolaid-budget world of dotcom startups... much the same way that a lot of pub-drinking men in 19th century England suddenly found themselves recruited into the Naval profession.

And much like a 19th century sailor, it took an act of mutiny for me to free myself from the HMS Bounty that I had been press-ganged into -- leaving me with about as much to my name in the process as Fletcher Christian.

But what had been a negative spiral took a very positive turn, including relocating AGAIN back to the East Coast to a brand new job, a great boss and the chance to put a decade of expertise to work in a place that wasn't likely to end up for sale in the local edition of the Penny Saver for dotcoms.

Since then I've turned 40, and am now expecting a second child. The future, as they say, is looking bright (if not a bit grayer around the sideburns, and now with the addition of prescription glasses).

So, here I am. Four years have passed, but the dorkboy in me is still spazzing out like Napoleon Dynamite on Red Bull.

I only hope my children can find it in their hearts to forgive me for the myriad ways I intend to embarrass them on their way to adulthood (and the even longer list of ways I'm sure I will do it without meaning to).

I hope you enjoyed the opening act. And please, ladies and gentlemen... try the veal.